Chronicles of COVID-19

Title

Rachel, Cork City

Contributor

Rachel

Subject

COVID-19 (Disease)

Coverage

Ireland; Cork; USA; Florida 2020s:

Date

03 May 2020

Language

English

Creator

Cork Folklore Project

Rights

Cork Folklore Project

Description

GENERAL PHYSICAL LOCATION RIGHT NOW

Cork City, Shandon

USUAL LOCATION

Florida, USA

Q. 1 STAGES

At first, it was a distant thing. I felt terrible about it, of course, but it seemed so distant. Not like something that could impact me. I felt bad for my friends in China, Japan, and Korea who were panicked and even worse for those who were subject of racist attacks, but it seemed like it was a bunch of hype. People were focused on toning down anxiety, perhaps a little too much. My mom, who lives in America, told me that, with Chinese New Year, people would be moving around, so I knew it was a possibility. Then, it came to Italy. Then, cases were popping up in England, Spain, all over Europe. Then, Northern Ireland. I remember seeing the headline while I was at the student centre of UCC, getting my lunch, when I saw that it had made it into the Republic, and I got this distinct, lurching feeling. Then, I remember going up to the steps of Shandon and seeing a notice on one of the doctor's offices, saying that if you had COVID, not to go in there, and feeling a certain haunting feeling, like you get when you know that something is going to remain locked in your memory, and when you think about a certain time in your life, you will always go back to that thing first. I thought, on some level, it was strange, because Cork had no cases yet. Sure, it was only a matter of time, but it was a Dublin issue. Just a Dublin issue. I still didn't think that it would really impact my day to day life. As an international student, I've built up a routine, here in Cork. Going to classes, seeing my professors every day, taking the daily walk from Shandon to UCC, the cold wind waking me up every morning, going to the English Market for scones, going out shopping to Tesco or Lidl's on the weekend, maybe tour a few churches and gawk at the stained glass. Enjoy the Lee as I'm walking home, standing by the river and feeling this sense of time and place where I know that, decades later, I'll be thinking of those waters. You get used to it. Still, as I started to hear of other places closing their colleges, I wanted to make sure I was prepared. One Wednesday, in my Medieval Welsh class, I asked my professor, in the event UCC should close, what we would do, and he said we would go for either Face time or Skype, and that the university would be discussing things in the future. We didn't have that much time to plan besides that, and, anyway, it still felt like a distant decision. That Thursday, in another class of his, he said there was going to be a meeting, and that we would be getting information soon. I was going to meet a friend for gaming, so I settled in the library, with a lemon Fanta and a bit of chocolate I got from the shop near the Main Rest. That was when I got the text saying that, from 6 PM that day, the university would be closed. I remembered looking around me, seeing all these people settled on the leather chairs. Talking, laughing, showing one another memes, doing schoolwork on their computers, and it was so surreal, because I knew that even though everything looked as it should, nothing was going to be the same. That the ordinary life I'd built here in Cork was gone and that there was no stability. Just the Friday before that, I had been ribbing a friend of mine who had a cold about having the virus. The next week, she had made the decision to go back in Germany. The international society was swamped by people selling things, moving around, my Whats app was constantly receiving messages, even before there was an official advisement to move, as people struggled to figure out what to do. The leaders of the group suggested caution, saying they would remove anyone for "spreading anxiety" (I wondered, at the time, what "spreading anxiety" meant, whether it was spreading legitimately false information or whether it was simply stating the writing on the wall.) Some people took it more seriously than others. One friend of mine went to Kerry that weekend, as we'd initially planned to do (he was scolded), another wanted me to go to Blarney Castle. For both trips, I stayed behind, because I thought to myself that, if UCC was closing, they weren't playing around with this. (Also, I worried about causing my mother additional anxiety, since I know that she follows all the developments religiously and feels absolutely helpless; I couldn't make her worry more. I'm her only child.) I drew myself into isolation mode almost immediately, going out to shop, grabbing enough necessities to last for two weeks or so. I feel like, while there was a definite mass panic, something that tends to be less discussed is how many people underplayed it. Because I think that they didn't WANT it to be that bad, not the least because no one in this generation can really understand a pandemic, not the least on this scale. The common statement was, "It's not worse than the flu, the flu kills more people" etc. I'm a medievalist and I can't understand it; I never thought I would see a plague unfold in my own time that was the kind of thing that was supposed to be locked in the vellum and the graveyards.

Q. 2 EVERYDAY ROUTINE

I feel very disconnected. I want to be a good student, but I have no motivation, no drive. I talk with a few members of the program regularly, we have a weekly meeting with all the postgrads, but It feels like we're all caught in our life boats, drifting with the waves. Time doesn't seem to mean anything anymore, deadlines are distant, even when they're frighteningly close, and even though I sleep more than I did as a student, I don't feel rested. Sometimes, I can spend hours, as the morning or even afternoon light blares into my room, lying wide awake, fighting against my own mind to go to sleep. My sleep schedule has gone to the dogs, generally speaking, I go to sleep when my body forces me to. Sometimes, I've found myself nodding off on the couch. Sometimes, I have to set my alarm to wake me up before the postgrad meet up at 5, because I was up until 1 PM. Most of the time, it's a war between me and my computer screen, where I try to will myself to do a project, but can't get it out, or put it off, because a part of my brain just wants to go anywhere else. I've long suspected I had undiagnosed ADHD, and this is having a hellish effect on it if so. I mainly leave my bed to go get food, generally at about 10-11. I try to open the windows during the daytime and close them at night, to prevent insects and cold from getting in. Generally speaking, I'm the type of person who is very harsh on myself when I don't meet up to my own personal standards, but under the current circumstances I've been making it a priority to be kinder, and to not hate myself too much for what I've had to do to stay sane. Perhaps writing a snippet of fan fiction is frivolous and won't contribute to my scholarly career, but it gives me an escape, and it keeps my mind active and away from the endless anxiety of the news cycle and the endless frustration of waiting for news that will be a long time in coming. Sometimes, I dread if the library will be open before my assignments are due, because if it was to open shortly before hand, then I would have to cram all my research into a few short days, as opposed to being forced to not utilize it. At the same time, I have an intense amount of anxiety over what my final projects will look like, because I want them to be high quality, and for many resources in my field, they are totally un digitized. Postgrads are being asked to do postgrad-worthy research without access to postgrad-level sources, and even though our professors are doing their best, there is only so much they can do, asking their colleagues and friends if they have access to an article, which is very different from being able to do a bulk of research at once. My roommates have left me here in the apartment alone, so in many ways, I have more agency, in the sense that I can play my music when I want, do laundry when I want, have my meals when I want, and I have more space in the refrigerator and the freezer than I did when it was the four of us. But I'm also alone, isolated, and there's a sense of unease. Sometimes, you think you hear things in the middle of the night, and there's no one there with you. I'm safe in here, there are at least two locks between my room and anyone outside, but I don't always FEEL secure. This was my first Easter away from home, and I wasn't really sure about the nuances between an Irish and American Easter, at least on a secular level, but when I was doing my bi-weekly Tesco run (waiting outside for about 20 minutes or so to do so), I tried to get some stuff to make a special meal. I'm not a great cook, but I got some hot cross buns (I'd never had them before, but I tried to eat them on Good Friday. Emphasis on "Tried"), bacon wrapped pork, corn, and mashed potatoes, and paired it with some toast (it wasn't my aunt's dinner rolls from back home, but it suited, since I forgot to get dough for that), and an Easter log and Cadbury crème icing for desert. It was an additional weight to take home, but it felt like something I HAD to have, for the sake of continuity. I also had two giant chocolate eggs and a few smaller crème eggs, though I've not delved into them yet (as of the 14th of April). I actually forgot to check the recipe, assuming I could just throw the pork in the oven, and only found out that it would require foil afterwards, when it was too late to get it, so I substituted with some parchment paper. The last time I went to Tesco, I grabbed as much Easter chocolate as I possibly could, because it was at a 75% discount for clearance purposes, and as I was walking out, a homeless man asked me for some money. And at first I said, "I'm sorry, I can't," but then, about ten steps later, I paused, shifted through my wallet, and gave him what might have amounted to a Euro or so of change. He thanked me at least three times. I'm fairly certain that there was no other change in his cup. Maybe he was lying, maybe I was taken for a fool, but it doesn't really matter. Anyone who would stand outside a Tesco and beg in the middle of a crisis like this has a greater need of it than I do, and if I could afford to spend over 20 Euro on chocolates, I could afford to part with about a Euro of change. This isn't included to show off that I'm a wonderful person, as I don't consider myself to be. It's included to show how, in a time like this, it can be easy to turn aside and focus on ourselves, and that, at least in my case, I refuse to let myself become that.

Q. 3 GROUPS

I feel like it's a very different experience for international students, in general. Specifically, the non-European international students. Many of my French and German friends and acquaintances are back home with their families, but for me and the other American girl in my program, we are still here, because this is IT for us. The logistics of going between the United States and Cork are too difficult to manage the journey twice and, since we're both postgrads, it would be too difficult to keep in contact with our respective advisors without the ~6 hour time difference. In the early stages, part of the panic was the feeling that major decisions had to be made at that moment, with little time to really stop and think. And it's also one of those areas where the class differences come out, in the most agonizing ways. There is one postgrad in my program who is not European, but who was able to return home because they had the funds. During every conferencing call, they talk about how *productive* they've been on their work, how they go out for walks, etc. And while I am happy for them, it is certainly not my experience, since so much of my mental energy is spent on simply staying sane when my world is mostly confined to the four walls of my apartment and nothing is certain anymore. Me and the other American in my program were friends before this, but now we have to be tighter, because it's very "us against the world." Once a week, we play Stardew Valley and voice chat over Discord until about 6-7 in the morning, so that we keep in contact with one another. Neither one of us ever fully adjusted to the time zone here, because when you move, people still want to keep in contact with you, so even before this we were accustomed to receiving calls well past 5 AM. We talk about our families, our schoolwork, how things are going, etc. We have both talked to one another about how difficult it would be to leave, and how the situation in our home country makes us worry about what we would be flying into if we returned. I believe she worries for me because she knows I'm alone and not getting much in the way of one to one communication.

Q. 4 WAYS WE TALK

Terms like "social distancing" and "quarantine" have become common parlance. It can seem strange, seeing movies where people talk and touch, alien. The future seems like this uncertain, murky thing, a bit like the Lee after a rain. Things like my dissertation, my assignments...they all don't seem to exist anymore, and I know other students have talked about this as well. We talk about the future in a heavily subjunctive way "IF we're still here when this is over, then..." and generally the goals are something very simple. Like, one thing I've discussed is simply going out to get a pizza with one of my classes after exams, so we can have a "Thank God We Survived" snack. There's never a solid timeline, and whenever we do get something resembling a timeline, it darts away from us. No one really makes solid plans anymore, because nothing is certain. It's all shifting sand. In terms of a frivolous, fandom context, because, even though it can seem embarrassing or awkward to write about, it is a part of how people, both in Ireland and internationally, are coping, and it's one that might not be recorded on account of the awkwardness: It is not uncommon for me to see, on social media, fanart and fanfiction that pairs characters from popular franchises (The Untamed, Volton, Marvel movies, Harry Potter, etc.) in situations where they have to self-isolate. At first, I thought they were utterly tasteless, but as it's gone on, I've started to understand the appeal of being able to work out current events through fan fiction. A lot of my own writing, since this has happened, has focused on ideas of touch and connection, letting the characters experience what I can't (which is something that has been a theme since my time here began, but has grown since then.) I know of some students online who, having had their own proms cancelled, had them over Twitter. When the Queen of England gave her speech, because of the green dress she wore, many people edited different images over it, including Heavy Metal bands, tie dye patterns, etc. After the American president gave the speech that seemed like it suggested that people inject disinfectant, I know that Germans on Twitter had a blast, giving "recommendations" that were things like "Decapitate yourself!" and "Spritz yourself with Plutonium." It was absolute peak gallows humour, and me and my German friend had a long laugh about it, even if there was a certain edge beneath the laughter. People are increasingly relying on online technology to stay in contact; Skype, Whats app, Discord, and Face time are all go-tos. I've found that many people are more irritable, snappish. I've gotten into arguments several times where, from my admittedly biased standpoint, someone took something I did totally out of context and, where it might have been easy to gloss over before, it led to a major altercation now. I know that a friend of mine in the States had a teacher verbally eviscerate her over a single absence, even though she had just travelled seven and a half hours. This is definitely not the only response, though, and I have seen people patching things up who had been at odds together. Me and one of my roommates had never particularly been close, but before she went back to France, we had a decent conversation and I wished her the best. In light of what's gone on, I think that petty feuds aren't as important.
I haven't had face to face contact since one of my friends left for Germany, probably about two weeks ago. (Time has become difficult to measure, in the same way.) My existence here is very impersonal, save for the contact I get with my family at and friends via social media. It is, in many ways, similar to what it was like over November and December, after classes were over and I was left more or less on my own while everyone else went back to their homes. It was, bar none, up until the present the loneliest, most miserable, most isolated part of my time in Cork. It's lonely, it's stressful, I find myself clinging to people's responses more and more, because they're a reminder I'm not alone. In some ways, it better, because I have more friends checking in on me now than I did then, but in other ways, it's worse, because I don't have a deadline for when it will be over. In December, I knew that, come January 8, I would be back in school, around people I was used to. The days would lengthen, the weather would warm, and I would be back to normal from the seasonal depression. But now, there's no sense of that. There's no knowing when it will end. And, unlike December, there's no Christmas Market to divert myself with, no ferris wheel, no places I can stop by, save for essential shopping at one of the stores. I do sometimes see people outside the apartment, talking in close quarters, and I always get a sense of dread because of the risk of infection. Aforementioned roommate threw a St. Patrick's Day party with her friends, and before she left, she had another gathering of her friends. Both times, I felt a keen sense of dread, because if just one of them had it, there was a chance of me getting it. Both days, I stayed firmly in my room. Perhaps it was over-zealousness on my part, but I want to minimize my chances as much as possible.

Q. 5 COMMUNITY RESPONSE

In a Corkonian context, I have heard of one neighbourhood that projects films on one of the houses so that people can watch a movie together at a distance. I do see people, not just in my apartment block, as mentioned above, but in the streets, talking, hanging out. And I don't want to be irritated at them without knowing the facts, but there are times where it feels like they aren't taking it seriously, even now.

Q. 6 THOUGHTS AND PREOCCUPATIONS

Recently? I cycle in between the stages of grief. Sometimes, I'm hopeful, I've accepted the ways things are, sometimes I'm angry, at myself, at those around me, at the disease itself. Sometimes, I'm depressed, thinking of all the things I'd taken for granted even when I didn't think I was. I suppose, more than anything else, though, I find myself thinking of the people. The owners of the B and B I stayed at before getting my apartment sorted (they told me to come back anytime, and I kept meaning to.) The American undergrads coming in during the second semester that I tried to give some International Student Advice to while I was downing my customary apple juice and pizza roll. The old man I talked to just before everything really got bad (I was sleep deprived and ended up collapsing against a garbage can, ergo I could not give the most lucid thoughts - Not my finest hour, I would not blame him if he thought that I had coronavirus myself.) The nice man I talked to at the Old Cork Waterworks. The lady who lives nearby who I talked about excitable dogs with on our way down the steps. The two students in my Medieval Welsh class who had to leave for family reasons before the start of the second term. The Australian church group that provided a food and warmth during the Christmas holidays when I needed it the most, even though I'm a confirmed atheist. How are they? How are their families? Are they alright? Are they still in Cork? Sometimes, I think about returning to the United States. I would be home then, I would have my dogs and my cats and my family, it might be cheaper, in terms of not having to deal with rent, but then I see how it's being handled there, and I know that, despite the loneliness, I'm safe here. The American Embassy has more or less washed its hands of us, saying that, if we don't intend to stay indefinitely, we should go, because there will be no emergency evacuations, but if I were to go now, I would be going through the cities most impacted by the virus anyway. My window of opportunity is the size of a pinprick, if that, and shrinking even more day by day.

Q. 7 SIMILARITY TO PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE

No Response.

Q. 8 CHALLENGES AND COPING

No Response.

Q. 9 THE FUTURE

I feel as if everything has changed, very quickly. I don't know about broader societal changes; some of my more radical friends want a total revolution, they don't want things to get back to normal until capitalism is dismantled. For my part...perhaps I'm a poor ideologue, perhaps I don't really have the stomach for real change, but, if the way things were going in the past wasn't working, it isn't necessarily working in the present either. I don't want an endless, idle, grey purgatory; I don't want the poor to be without jobs indefinitely, I don't want to be without a school indefinitely (I am currently faced with the task of writing a dissertation without a library). I don't really...want a brilliant, shining new world, not if the cost is keeping things like this. I want to believe that things can change, especially for disabled people who have been asking for measures like this for years, but I don't want to sacrifice the wellbeing of the world for it. I feel like my generation is going to bear the marks of this for the rest of our lives, like my grandparents never wasting food because they had survived World War II and the Depression. I feel like I'll never look at going outside or being able to touch those around me the same way again. I've already had friends talk about how seeing people casually touch in TV shows looks alien, bizarre, and I find myself doing the same.

Q. 10 IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE THAT SPRINGS TO MIND?

No Response.

Q. 11 IN A NUTSHELL

The world changed overnight, both for me and everyone else. I've studied history long enough that I know how narratives tend to be shaped. What I would suppose I would want anyone to remember is that we were all people, we were all individuals in an uncertain time. Whatever happens in the future; however, this will be resolved, it is easy to look at everything in hindsight. Perhaps this won't even seem like a massive thing, more a simple inconvenience. It might be said that we were all stupid, judging off of the most extreme reactions. But people are people, and everyone is reacting as well as they can with the information they have at the time. People have been irritable, miserable, and self-pitying, and people have been generous and kind and most people have wavered between various shades of the two. Some people urged caution from the beginning, some people, mostly in my home country, believed it was a Chinese Hoax; some people thought it would blow over. Were I to emphasize one feeling of the crisis, it would be the uncertainty and the haziness of one day blending into another, along with the isolation.

age

18-25

gender

Female